Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Unexpected News

Till today, I'm still stalking his girlfriend's twitter. And I could see how heartbroken she is.. 

On the 29th May 2017, I received a whatsapp from a friend telling me about his accident and immediate death. I was in disbelieve for like few days.. and because it was the day before my final exam (which luckily I passed) even though the news was like kept came into my mind while I was answering the questions.. 

I remembered.. few days or weeks before his death I was randomly scrolling the pictures in my laptop so that I could keep them in specific albums (or else theyll be so scattered). Then, every time I found his pictures that I haven't delete I immediately said 'erghh' then pressed the delete button..without even properly looked at them. Well yeah, why would I? It's not like the feelings are still there.. at that moment I did not even care about him because I was and still am alhamdulillah happy with my life, with Hasan's presence and you know, I've completely moved on. It was just hmm maybe the unacceptable feelings after being dumped still haunting me (that's why I don't give people second chance ehh takde kena mengena). and also because of my self-confidence that dropped so much.. 

Well you never know nor understand it unless you've been dumped before by someone whom you trusted so much.. the shitty feelings.. you'll keep questioning yourself 'what do i really lack in'.. you'll always feel insecure and think that you're not good enough.. and the worst part is that, you'll think that the only person you can trust is yourself.. and no one else deserves your trust anymore..

Okay enough with that part hahah before the anger comes back. 

Back to his girlfriend's part.. of course no one wants to be in her shoes.. and I know that she is stronger than me that's why Allah is testing her with his death.. 
hmm I am however being honest here that I'm still unsure of my feelings towards her.. 
there's a part of me feels wants to be her friend and hmm maybe can comfort her whenever she feels she needs someone.. 
but there's also a part of me.. maybe my bad side.. or my black heart.. or my pride and ego.. 
telling that ' now she knows how it feels when her beloved one taken from her'.. do not think that I haven't moved on (oh God I've moved on since 2014) it's just hmm like I want her to feel what I've felt.. to be hurt like I was hurt.. 
those who've been dumped for others, you feel me. 
please do not think I'm evil.. it's just I can't forgive nor forget easily.. ;(
and I'll try to change that.. 

Nevertheless, the nation has lost a great future doctor. I know it because I've always see the passion within him of becoming a doctor.. and with his gf near him, could see their effort studying together and etc..and from her instagram captions and tweets, I could see that he has changed from the last time I talked to him.. and I'm glad that there's hikmah.. for leaving me for a girl who inspired him to be better.. 

To be honest, I never, not even once, wished for his death.. I just wished that one day I'll be an amazing doctor and beat him.. and shows how happy I am (happiness is the best revenge right?) and get married to Hasan ;) .. but I guess you'll just watch us from up there won't you?

I know you can see all of us from there.. especially her.. please ask Allah to give her more strength.. 
and do know, I forgive you.. and I hope you forgave me too.. 


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Nurul Humaira' bt Zulqarnain | 12th feb 95 | Srikandi